Catwoman on DVD
When you hear so many bad things about one movie, you cant
help but be intrigued by it.
After all, how can a movie possibly be as bad as everyone says?
And even if it is, you have to see it for yourself to see just how bad it
Catwoman is the epitome of this kind of movie. It has so many
problems, and is so bad in so many ways, that everyone should see it if only as
a horrible example. (Editor's note: Heckuva recommendation, eh?)
Patience Phillips (Halle Berry) is a take-crap-from-everybody kind
of gal. She works her menial job in her menial existence and just tries her
darndest to keep her life going smoothly. Then one night she stumbles upon a
conspiracy by her employers to put anti-aging cream on the market. The problem
is, the cream only defies aging until its long-term effects take over, causing
the wearer to pass out and awaken with facial deformities.
Patience is killed. Her employers have won and everybody that
doesnt use the cream lives happily ever after.
Oh right, but the movie kept going. And going. And going. The
thing is, everything goes okay until the title character shows up. Thats
about when it becomes a sad, sad excuse for a movie, but is still fun to watch
because of it. Really.
We dont need to discuss the plot any further, because it
doesnt matter. Catwoman appears and starts wreaking havoc on the people
who killed her, while trying to sustain a relationship with Benjamin Bratt.
Thats about it. But the movie is a $90 million excuse to have Halle Berry
in a dominatrix outfit acting all sexual. Why such a woman would need to reveal
so much skin is beyond us, unless it was for the obvious reason of needing
something to get people out to see the movie. Of course, you can see
more of Berry in Swordfish or Monsters Ball, or just go
online and find some free porn.
The worst part of Catwoman is the script. There are so many
talented, struggling screenwriters out there who could take anything and make
it good, yet they managed to find the people who can take every bit of
substance out of an idea and cram the remainder down your throat until you
suffocate. Theres not a single memorable line (unless you count ones that
are memorably terrible), there are plenty of plot holes, and you have to
suspend your disbelief more than even the most ridiculous Bond film.
Still interested? Then read on.
French director Pitof has a good style. There are a few pretty
cool shots in Catwoman, and some well-done visual effects, but this is no Lord
of the Rings. Everything is pure visual dazzle, with not a trace of substance
anywhere to be found (to the point of having one long shot rotating around
Catwoman as she walks nothing more than an excuse to let us stare at her
bottom for an extended period of time). That, unfortunately, causes another
huge problem: if theyre going to make a campy, crappy film, they should
go all out. The fact that Catwoman has redeeming qualities shows that the
filmmakers actually thought they had something worthwhile and tried to make
something decent. If it were pure excrement, it may be so bad its good,
when in fact its just really, really bad.
There are so many good and bad movies out there that deserve our
press, but Catwoman deserves to be forgotten. Even as a camp movie, Catwoman
just cant do it right. Its hard to find any reason for anyone to
watch this movie, ever.
After dying a horrible death at the box office, Catwoman took its
time getting to DVD. Oddly enough, they seemed to put more effort into the disc
than into the movie. Presented in 2.35:1 anamorphic widescreen, picture quality
looks great. There are plenty of blacks that dont all blend in together
to make one big black screen; detail is always perfectly visible, and opposing
colors never get in the way. Fleshtones mix well with the darks, and there is
never any dust or grain on the print.
The Dolby Digital 5.1 audio track is also rather impressive. With
the exception of a too-strong subwoofer section, all five channels roar to life
frequently and intensely. During the action scenes, Catwomans whip does
some nice, quick panning, gunshots fly through the room, and the score stays
prominently in the background (if that even makes sense).
The Many Faces of Catwoman is a half-hour documentary
on the history of the character, hosted by Eartha Kitt (one of the threee
original Catwomans from the old TV series). It takes us from the early days in
the Batman comics, all the way up to the brand-new 2004 theatrical movie.
Whether youre into this kind of thing or not, youll probably find
this infinitely more entertaining than the movie itself. Theres a
behind-the-scenes featurette that runs about 15 minutes and is nothing more
than a 15-minute advertisement (though they needed a LOT more than 15 minutes
to make people want to see this thing). Finally, we get a trailer and some
deleted scenes we have to admit we avoided watching because there's only so
much abuse an audience can take.
Catwoman, from Warner Bros. Home Entertainment
anamorphic widescreen (2.35:1) 16x9 enhanced, Dolby Digital 5.1
Halle Berry, Sharon Stone, Benjamin Bratt, Alex Borstein, Lambert Wilson
Produced by Denise Di Novi, Edward L. McDonnell
Screenplay by John Rogers,
Michael Ferris, Directed by Pitof
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