Women's rites? Interesting new app brings meaning to the life of your relationship - or not

By Jim Bray
May 18, 2017

There've been battles of the network stars, the Battle of the Bulge, battles with city hall, and many other battles - but the one that predates them all, and still goes on today, is the so-called "battle of the sexes." Men are from Mars and Women are from Oz, or Middle Earth or something, and never the twain shall meet.

Except that the twain do meet, often and repeatedly, so it's best that we learn to get along. And of course to do this in today's society, men have to understand women. Women don't have to understand men because women are downtrodden and innocent victims of a patriarchal system and so if there's going to be any movement toward mutual understanding it'd better damn well be the men doing it. Right?

On the other hand now, thanks to an app, men can play women like a fiddle! And isn't that empowering for women?

I haven't actually tried the app - and as a long-married dude I wouldn't - but the "Female Forecaster" seemed interesting enough to make mention of heading into the wedding season. It's an app that's meant to let men know when their women are feeling, well, a tad randy. And isn't that what life is all about?

The Female Forecaster purports to use science (rather than emotion or climate change research, I guess) to give husbands, boyfriends, stalkers (or whatever type of typically evil man may be involved) a way to help figure out what women want and when they might want it. In short, the app claims to allow for "an accurate daily forecast of their female partner's moods, libido and more."

I guess lesbians don't need to worry about this because they already, well, what the heck do I know? On the other hand, since this app appears aimed squarely at heterosexual couples, can a complaint of homophobia against the app's designer be far away, and a threat to ruin her business if she doesn't knuckle under to Big Homosexual?

But I digress. Here's how the press release described the app: "The Female Forecaster App charts a woman's monthly cycle, then provides the app user with a daily forecast of what her mood will be, whether her desire for intimacy will be high or low and more based on her hormone levels for that day."

According to the creator of the app, Garbrielle Lichterman (shouldn't that be "Licterperson" in today's changed climate?) "each daily forecast is based on hundreds of studies that show how a woman's three key reproductive hormones - estrogen, testosterone and progesterone - impact her in various ways, including her emotions, libido and energy. Because a woman's hormones repeat the same up-and-down pattern month after month, the effects her hormones have on her also repeat the same way month after month - making her moods, romantic desires and more easy to predict."

Sounds like a way for the would-be-Casanovas of the world to shoot sexual fish in a barrel, doesn't it? Well, once they find out the woman's cycle, of course…

I have no idea of the scientific accuracy of this, so if it's wrong blame the app folk and their PR people. But they cite as an example that "on Day Seven of a woman's cycle, she's happier and her sex drive is high thanks to rising estrogen - making this a day when boyfriends and husbands can do no wrong."

Whoever wrote this has obviously never been in a serious, long term relationship with a woman. I have, and I can tell you that I've never done ANYTHING right during those decades. So I call BS on this.

Anyway, to continue with the app's description, it seems that, while on Day Seven of a woman's cycle even a toothless oaf can get lucky, by Day 19 "she's sluggish and her desire for physical intimacy is low due to rising progesterone - so a man shouldn't take her 'Not tonight, dear' personally."

I bet he will, though. Men aren't complicated. We know what we want, and we want women. And we want them today. And tomorrow. And the day after that. Sure, there are some males who don't want women, but are they really Men in the classic sense? In this age, they could be part of a seemingly increasing number of "genders" being dreamed up by people who refuse to accept the reality of their chromosomes.

I can see the emails and hear the howls from the usual perpetually offended suspects now! Bring it, you damn humourless liberals. Or, better still, get a life.

But wait, there's more to the app: "on Day 27, plunging estrogen can make her moody, but she also experiences an increasing libido - which explains why she can be cross with you one minute, but want to cuddle with you the next." Here I learned something! I had always figured that this swinging of moods just meant that women are weird and flakey! Unlike men, of course, who are paragons of consistency and logic.

"The Female Forecaster App answers questions men have long had about women and takes the mystery out of the fairer sex," the Lichterwoman continued in the release. "As a result, men can have a closer relationship with their partner, avoid needless arguments and have a more fulfilling sex life."

Isn't it remarkable that the human race didn't die out thousands of years ago, when there were no apps to facilitate the long dance that's been on our cards since time immemorial? Thank goodness for technology!

This seems to me kind of like the reverse of the incident on the Big Bang Theory in which Sheldon tried using chocolate to condition Penny into changing her behaviour to make it closer to what he liked. Except that here, you're not trying to change your special lady, you're using technology to "understand" her more so, presumably, you can get a good shagging. But I'm not cynical…

Of course, you could just pay attention to her, all the time, and talk to her. Sure, it might kill you, but it might make both of you happier, too.  

I'm no expert - hell, I don't even play one on TV - but I have a feeling most great ladies would rather their man paid more attention to them than stick his nose into an app and then start sniffing around her like a cat in heat just because the app says she's due.

I also imagine this app would probably be more suited to those who are in a relationship already. Heck, I can only imagine the reaction from a distaff being to a dude who's coming on to her and pressing for information on her cycle. Well, unless she's wearing a plastic helmet and pedaling down a designated "driver penalization lane." Still, it doesn't strike me as a great way to convince the lady you want a long term relationship.

Of course, there's another way to look for a woman with whom you want to have that type of ongoing relationship. It's called the "Hot versus Crazy Matrix" and should provide a cautionary tale for all single guys in 2017.

I joke and I tease, and I really do have trouble taking such a thing seriously - but if it works for you, more power to you. To each his/her/its own!
App creator Gabrielle Lichterman is billed as a women's health journalist, author of "the ground breaking book about women's hormones" 28 Days, creator of the Hormone Horoscope menstrual cycle-tracking app and founder of Hormonology. Busy gal!

You can download her $2.99 app from the App Store  and Google Play. 

Copyright 2017 Jim Bray
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